Noticing

My dad woke up early today to take my car to get the oil changed.  Not a problem but then towards 12:30pm I was at work and started to realize I was really hungry but didn’t have my car because my dad had it.  He said he would come by and I could drive him to my mom and then come back to work.

I didn’t realize but as I walked out of work I was one: hangry, two: ashamed that my dad had to do errands for me (but he truly did it out of the kindness of his heart I didn’t demand that he do it) and three: in such a work mode I hated to be pulled from work at that moment.

As we drove all these feelings kept building and I was the rudest.  I was on my phone.  I didn’t listen to anything my dad was saying about how he got the best deal.  I was a brat and said things like “I didn’t ask you to do this!” As we got to the food place, my dad sensed my mood and said it’s fine I’ll pay for your food and then go wait for mom somewhere else.

I exclaimed, “No! You already did my oil change for me you cannot pay for me too I feel like I’m four years old!” and I was half laughing but also so serious.  And the thing is too, I never thought I was the kind of person who was the “I have to get back to the office” kind of person.  It scared me a little.  At Champagne French Bakery, I ordered but not how I usually order…I sort of barked at the person behind the counter and said “What’s vegetarian here?” And he told me everything with a leaf next to it is vegetarian.  I saw no leaves.  I chose something and sat down and scowled next to my dad.  I bought him a Diet Coke to make ME feel better.  My mom joined us and I continued to scowl.  In the span of 10 minutes I got up and checked on my food three times, glaring at the workers each time I went in.  In that exact one moment I knew that I was living a lesson.  If you haven’t seen About Time you absolutely must.  It is the best movie I’ve ever seen in my entire life.

Pretty much the movie and the quotes came rushing to me full force and I couldn’t help but smile inwardly even though outside I was this scowling high heeled no funny business baby adult lady.

Tim: And so he told me his secret formula for happiness. Part one of the two part plan was that I should just get on with ordinary life, living it day by day, like anyone else.

Tim: But then came part two of Dad’s plan. He told me to live every day again almost exactly the same. The first time with all the tensions and worries that stop us noticing how sweet the world can be, but the second time noticing. Okay, Dad. Let’s give it a go.

Tim: And in the end I think I’ve learned the final lesson from my travels in time; and I’ve even gone one step further than my father did: The truth is I now don’t travel back at all, not even for the day, I just try to live every day as if I’ve deliberately come back to this one day, to enjoy it, as if it was the full final day of my extraordinary, ordinary life.

I don’t know if you’ll fully understand this blog post without watching About Time.  But the point is, I…happiness seeker smiley quote-loving Andi… slip. I get in these foul moods where I’m a wrecking ball of anger and sadness.  It like seeps onto people and effects the atmosphere.  I focus on things like work and getting $ over cherishing time with people who love me.  I can be ungrateful, selfish, and unkind.  Just the absolute worst.  But the pivotal thing is to just realize.  Just realize that life comes with tension and uncomfortable moods and circumstances, and that’s the beauty of life.  You have to live it, but live it appreciating.  Appreciating every little thing.  Breathe.  Several times a day, just breathe.  Things aren’t as bad as they appear.  They never are as scary as you imagine.  Scary things will happen…

Tim: There’s a song by Baz Luhrmann called Sunscreen. He says worrying about the future is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life will always be things that never crossed your worried mind.

But I assure you, you have everything within you to face whatever life is throwing at you.  Breathe it out.  Live with all those little things.  Tim has an ability to live things twice.  And we only get to once.  But when you’re living, live the second time. “The first time with all the tensions and worries that stop us noticing how sweet the world can be, but the second time noticing.”

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Afraid of Getting Close

If you were to ask me what I write about and why. It’s usually because thoughts strike me (typically while driving) that fascinate me and captivate me for the next few days that I have to write it down. A thought struck me recently, but I totally did NOT want to write about it.  I’ve been waiting for another topic to come by for the past 3 weeks so I could write about THAT. But it doesn’t work that way. I have to write about this before moving onto anything else so here it goes.

I’m so utterly afraid of being in a relationship.

Have you seen the movie Penelope? It’s a movie where a girl has a snout for a nose and her mom makes it a goal to have her get married but every single guy who sees her runs out the window in horror. Can you imagine living like that? Or experiencing that? Like at all? I’m deathly afraid of experiencing that.  That flat out rejection. The feeling like YOU are horrifying.

I have this, but its not outward its inward.  Or rather, its under.  Have you seen the movie Inside Out by Disney? That movie is so cute, like uber cute.  But I was thinking that for my life the little characters would be a little more serious.  In place of joy I would have like a grayish colored “Shame” character running the show in my mind.  Little memory orbs of shame have formed in my mind ever since I can remember.  As a single adult I deal with them by myself.  Which means that I store them out of sight and out of mind.  In neat little boxes underneath the bed, underneath the table.  I literally feel like when you are in a relationship its like inviting someone to your home and they immediately lift up the tablecloth and point “WHAT’S THAT?” Or…

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Horrifying.  But that’s the thing, I think that my fear of being in a relationship has been mistaken for fierce independence.  People will tell me that I’m independent all the time, which makes me beam inside, but I can’t help but wonder how well they know me.  If they looked deeper they might see that I’m literally just too afraid of getting close.  I’m so busy hiding and covering my shame that I don’t let anyone in.

I’m simply terrified. And for once, I have no “solutions” or words of advice! Just wanted a space to write it out just to see if anyone else related or if this could help just in the sense that you’re not alone.

JK LOL. So sorry if you haven’t watched the movie Penelope and you were planning to.  The key here is the same exact key that is in the movie Penelope.  There comes a point when she gets the opportunity to get rid of the snout and break the curse and this is the conversation between her and her mother

Penelope: But I don’t want a whole new me, mother!
Jessica Wilhern: Sweetheart please, please.
Penelope: I like myself the way I am!

You have to like who you are how you are.  Snout or no snout, little boxes of shame or HUGE boxes of shame.  My friend told me this the other day, “You have to love yourself first, because that’s going to attract the right person for you”.  If you haven’t gotten this part yet, coffee meets bagel isn’t going to help you. Liking yourself the way you are, with all of your insecurities and weird little tendencies comes before.

“To love is to be vulnerable” – C.S. Lewis