Afraid of Getting Close

If you were to ask me what I write about and why. It’s usually because thoughts strike me (typically while driving) that fascinate me and captivate me for the next few days that I have to write it down. A thought struck me recently, but I totally did NOT want to write about it.  I’ve been waiting for another topic to come by for the past 3 weeks so I could write about THAT. But it doesn’t work that way. I have to write about this before moving onto anything else so here it goes.

I’m so utterly afraid of being in a relationship.

Have you seen the movie Penelope? It’s a movie where a girl has a snout for a nose and her mom makes it a goal to have her get married but every single guy who sees her runs out the window in horror. Can you imagine living like that? Or experiencing that? Like at all? I’m deathly afraid of experiencing that.  That flat out rejection. The feeling like YOU are horrifying.

I have this, but its not outward its inward.  Or rather, its under.  Have you seen the movie Inside Out by Disney? That movie is so cute, like uber cute.  But I was thinking that for my life the little characters would be a little more serious.  In place of joy I would have like a grayish colored “Shame” character running the show in my mind.  Little memory orbs of shame have formed in my mind ever since I can remember.  As a single adult I deal with them by myself.  Which means that I store them out of sight and out of mind.  In neat little boxes underneath the bed, underneath the table.  I literally feel like when you are in a relationship its like inviting someone to your home and they immediately lift up the tablecloth and point “WHAT’S THAT?” Or…

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Horrifying.  But that’s the thing, I think that my fear of being in a relationship has been mistaken for fierce independence.  People will tell me that I’m independent all the time, which makes me beam inside, but I can’t help but wonder how well they know me.  If they looked deeper they might see that I’m literally just too afraid of getting close.  I’m so busy hiding and covering my shame that I don’t let anyone in.

I’m simply terrified. And for once, I have no “solutions” or words of advice! Just wanted a space to write it out just to see if anyone else related or if this could help just in the sense that you’re not alone.

JK LOL. So sorry if you haven’t watched the movie Penelope and you were planning to.  The key here is the same exact key that is in the movie Penelope.  There comes a point when she gets the opportunity to get rid of the snout and break the curse and this is the conversation between her and her mother

Penelope: But I don’t want a whole new me, mother!
Jessica Wilhern: Sweetheart please, please.
Penelope: I like myself the way I am!

You have to like who you are how you are.  Snout or no snout, little boxes of shame or HUGE boxes of shame.  My friend told me this the other day, “You have to love yourself first, because that’s going to attract the right person for you”.  If you haven’t gotten this part yet, coffee meets bagel isn’t going to help you. Liking yourself the way you are, with all of your insecurities and weird little tendencies comes before.

“To love is to be vulnerable” – C.S. Lewis

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