being bullied RN

“i’m talking too much about myself”

“do you have to go soon?”

I had just finished talking to a friend about suffering from a worthiness imbalance. i view everyone on pedestals, almost in an unhealthy way. it leads me to be easily intimidated, scared of social interactions, and feeling like “everyone is better than me”. i think everyone is perfect but i see myself as an unredeemable pile of problems. even if you share with me your “issues” i can find a positive spin on it. i’m like a mom who can’t see a single flaw in their beloved son or daughter. you’re a perfectionist? you must be detail oriented. you don’t trust people? that’s good, i trust too easily. i can’t find fault with you ever. but i can find 100 faults for me in one second flat. it’s the job of our inner bullies. and my inner bully works HARD. we are all hard on ourselves. but can i just say my inner bully is a real butthole. see below for evidence:

andi long: yeah so i feel like i’m not deemed worthy like others are

inner bully: Shuuuut UP. Stop talking about yourself. That’s ALL you do. And they’re bored. Excuse them at once so they don’t have to spend one more minute with your sorry self.

andi long: *thinks to herself* ‘oh my god you’re right. thank you for bringing that to my attention.’

“i’m talking too much about myself, do you have to go soon?”

It was a horrifying yet amusing moment to hear myself spit those words out. horrifying because i knew it came from that place of unworthiness i was just talking about and amusing because for the first time i caught it. it was like aha! there’s your unworthiness fully clothed and ready to shine in all its glory. hand in hand with your inner bully. dream team.

My friend was like “that was the farthest thing on my mind. you are not talking too much. and no i’m good on time how are you?”

AYEEE inner bully, take that. You shut up.

expose that inner bully every chance you get. show it that it’s all talk and no substance. this is only one example of many, many other incidents, just this is the first time i saw it in action like that and ready to party. this is necessary work. bullying is intense. bullying is no joke. including when it’s yourself who is doing the bullying. expose expose expose. inner bullies are delusional, untrustworthy liars. i’m being bullied right now, but i’ve had it.

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