people pleasing

i suffer from people pleasing

i say yes when you say yes

i say no when you say no

who am i really then?

who is there to get to know?

i’m going to stand for something

i’ll disagree. i’ll make my point.

i don’t want to just be a mirror, a smile, a nod.

 

you

you are not a bundle of problems!
someone said that to me before.
i appreciate that.
sometimes it’s easy to walk around thinking you are
but i reminded another person a few months ago – you’re not messy. sure you got layers. but kind of like a flower has petals. you’re a rose. you got this!
#bloom

Okay with being misunderstood

People will say what they want to say.

When I was in college, the guy who I was dated at the time told me that his ex girlfriend (which I should have known wouldn’t have had the most charming things to say about me) told him that she saw me walking around talking to myself and that I was “weird”.

HELP! I hated being called weird. I hated the idea of being labeled as weird, abnormal, strange. No! I wanted to fit in. I wanted my image to be of someone cool – someone that doesn’t talk to herself! The thing is, now that I’m older I can see what she means, haha. I definitely do, talk to myself. My mind is runnnning with thoughts (whose isn’t!?) and I take them to see where they can go. I think about things differently, I think. I’m proud of it. Even if it makes me (ugh) *weird*.

But the thing is, as depicted by my ex’s ex…people talk about you! What are you going to do?

Another time in college – I was in line at the cafeteria and someone came up to me and started talking to me with enthusiasm. We talked for a bit, both of us friendly and animated. As he left my friend whom I was with asked me if I knew him and I said no. I later was called a b*tch.

Things will be said. Assumptions will be made. I was so frustrated with being misunderstood.

There is beauty in getting older. My mentor told me years ago – in your twenties you think about yourself and in your thirties and forties you think of others more. Me being in my twenties I remember thinking “I’m not self absorbed!” Yes I am. I can see exactly what she means. I’m only 26 but now I care much, much less about what others think or say about me vs me when I was 20 years old. And it totally is because I am gaining more of a sense of who I am. Sure, in college my identity was super shaky. But that was then. This is now.

People will say what they want to say. Sometimes they  might be right about me. Sometimes they’ll be dead wrong. But my goal now is not to be understood. I’m okay with being misunderstood. I know who I am now.

 

IMG_0564.JPG

Twenty seconds

It only takes 20 seconds to be brave.

It only takes 20 seconds to get used to a sensation like ice cold water.

Interesting.

I would like 20 second opportunities to be brave, to show courage, to be bold.

“You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.”

 

From Benjamin P. Hardy’s article:

There is of course, an initial fear of stepping into a cold shower. Without a doubt, if you’ve tried this before, you have found yourself standing outside the shower dreading the thought of going in.

You may have even talked yourself out of it and said, “Maybe tomorrow.” And turned the hot water handle before getting in.

Or, maybe you jumped in but quickly turned the hot water on?

What has helped me is thinking about it like a swimming pool. It’s a slow painful death to get into a cold pool slowly. You just need to jump in. After 20 seconds, you’re fine.

It’s the same way with taking a cold shower. You get in, you heart starts beating like crazy. Then, after like 20 seconds, you feel fine.

I love that. After 20 seconds, you’re fine. After 20 seconds, you feel fine. The initial fear might take 20 YEARS, 20 days. But once you DO IT. Once you do the scary thing – it takes 20 seconds to feel fine again. I’m obsessed! I want to do scary things right now! 20 seconds of bravery, you got this.

The Sign

On Sunday, we drove my little Prius to Anzo-Borrego Desert to seek wildflowers and adventure. It was a beautiful day and even more beautiful drive. We stopped by a taco shop off the road for breakfast burritos. We got invited to a nearby casino as we ate. After respectfully declining we hopped back in the Prius and then, suddenly, out of the blue I recognized a sign from five years ago. It was the sign that we went to the inauguration of as part of Alternative Spring Break at UC Irvine. Alternative Spring Break is an option for college students to do something “alternative” and do service work at a site for a week. You have options of sites to choose from, and I chose La Jolla Indian Reservation. This Alternative Spring Break was such a unique experience for me – I had just graduated and was about to go out into the real world. As I drove past the sign thoughts like tumbleweed started to accumulate in my mind.

1. Our life is a set of choices
I told the girls I was with about the experience I had at La Jolla Indian Reservation as we passed by that sign. Later I looked back on my Facebook and saw that it took place EXACTLY 5 years ago from this weekend. How funny that God and life works like that! Exactly 5 years ago I was a freshly graduated, young girl at an Indian Reservation. 5 years later from that day I’m 26 years old. I am a little stronger, a little less insecure, a little braver. It’s moments like this where you get a glimpse of your past self and the distance that separates you from then to who you are today.

After Alternative Spring Break, there was no more college. I had a blank space before me. I was scared. I was expected to have an internship in Taiwan. I was accepted, but needed to electronically “accept” my acceptance. We didn’t have any cell service or access to computers at the La Jolla Indian Reservation. The deadline passed for me to accept it and I lost my internship. And to be honest, I am so happy I did! Looking back at my 5 years of life, I forged my own path by going to Prague. I had the time of my life living in Europe for a year. When I came back I got to work at an amazing nonprofit, Illumination Foundation to help the homeless in OC thanks to my mentors Maribel and Jack! I am now still on a crazy adventure and I love it. I guess what I mean is rejection and lost opportunities do not necessarily have to be a bad thing. What will my life have been if I went to Taiwan, I don’t know and don’t need to know. That life doesn’t exist.

We are all faced with a set of choices. I chose UCI. I chose La Jolla Indian Reservation. I chose Prague. I chose Anzo Borrego Desert. Just choose. Choose the choices that you in 5 years will be proud of. And then look back.

2. Challenge yourself
Emi Oshima, our fearless leader for Alternative Spring Break, is a force to be reckoned with. The leading started even before we got to the Luiseno Band of Indians Reservation. I remember sitting in a circle with strangers: each of us extremely different and all not knowing what to expect but at the core we were all ready to serve and learn. What I got from that first meeting was that Emi really wanted to challenge us. She asked us to identify what that meant for each of us. I knew what mine was, it was almost too easy. No coffee and make-up. I remember making some kind of light-hearted comment about it and getting shot down in a loving but stern way. I wanted to make a joke of it but Emi was so intentional and direct in her leadership I had no choice. While I didn’t forgo make up completely and I had one or two cups of coffee during the week, the challenge was amazing. It wasn’t limited to just lattes and eyeliner. We challenged ourselves as we jumped in garbage trucks, as we got up from our seats and participated in a “bird song”. (A bird song is a traditional dance meant to show the joy of who you are, what you are and what you will become – is that not just beautiful?). Even before my road trip and seeing that sign, I had been hearing Emi’s voice these past weeks encouraging me to challenge myself. Five years later and her impact is still strong.

3. Learn about cultures
My major at UCI was Global Cultures. This major at UCI is fairly new and is only 10 years old. I got a lot of questions about it when I had to tell people. I still don’t know exactly what to tell people – you learn about different cultures, and how we are all connected, yet how each culture is unique and valuable. But what I am now learning through observation and experience is that to be able to connect to different cultures is extremely, extremely crucial to being successful.

This opportunity to sleep in cots at an elementary school on an Indian Reservation for a week may have been a rare and unique experience, however there are so many other ones! I want to go to Papa New Guinea to experience their culture. There are so many overseas volunteer experiences to choose from. While some people might say don’t do that, it’s not a long-term impact – I say DO IT! Get out of your comfort zone. One thing you say to a child or person might make a lasting impact like Emi’s words on me. Don’t hold yourself back. Or, go to the library! Research cultures on the internet. Learn about someone who is not like you. See what connects you to them. Own the world.

4. Do good
Acts of service require no extra talent or skills. Just a good and willing heart. I personally am the most alive when I am serving. I feel at use, I feel purposeful, I feel good. I accidentally wrote I feel god instead of good but that’s true too! I feel God when serving. There’s also something about serving, not just alone but when you are with other people. I feel the same way now as I’m training for the half marathon with Team World Vision for clean water in Africa. There’s something beautiful and life giving when you are with a team of people for a cause greater than yourself. PS donate to Team World Vision’s mission to save lives in Africa to be a part of doing good today! I’m so close to the goal!!(http://www.teamworldvision.org/participant/andilong )

5. YOLO and non-YOLO
On the way up we were asking one of my friends what colors the flowers were going to be. She said there’s a lot of yellow, and…non-yellow. We laughed about that the whole trip. How cute! And then on the way back my other friend said in life there’s YOLO and non-YOLO. That made me laugh even more because I remember 5 years ago at La Jolla Indian Reservation our group would just scream YOLO on top of mountain tops, as college students will do. That was our motto then. My motto now, is YOLO and non YOLO! It’s a balance. It’s doing what you love and taking risks while being safe and realizing your one life is valuable and precious. So make sure you live as much as you can so you can do as much good as you can. Like the sign says, “Keep Your Dreams Alive Don’t Drink and Drive”.

6. Go at your own pace
When I told my dad I was going to the desert, he and my mom just went a couple weeks before so he told me that it gets really windy and to go slow even if cars behind me are pressuring me or really close behind. Glad he told me that because I really had to let so many people pass me, I was THAT Prius. But I appreciated my dad’s advice – go at your own pace. Don’t let external pressures you convince you that you need to go faster, be something you’re not. That’s when it gets dangerous. And when all else fails, pull over and enjoy the moment while letting them pass. You don’t know what you might find!

Video I made from the Alternative Spring Break experience five years ago!!!
https://youtu.be/TugMEkiClmI

 

527275_313560495381540_1366465191_n.jpg

 

 

 

Anything is Possible

Fight Song by Rachel Platten is my favorite song. But this is my second favorite song.

I heard this song for the first time while on mile 2 of the mile 6 run led by Captain Hanju Lee on Saturday morning. Right as I started this run I had a conversation with another runner about how healing is a journey…She said something along the lines of “the truth is the truth, we just need to stop running from it”. Yes! And as this song came on and I was running/jogging/struggling I was like yes, stop running from truth and start running towards it. It’s already there.. The truth has already been spoken over you! Go and live it

#anythingspossible #liveyourtruth #runningfromtruth #judgingyourself#battlehasbegun #musicmonday

Home

Home
I’ve had parts of my life where looking back I was so not at home, so unsure of everything, so focused on anxiety and fear that I was never even present. But the more I focus on the things that matter, things that really matter – love, true belonging, freedom..the more I feel a sense of either being at home or coming home.
Interesting too that the word dwell means both to live in and to think about… where do you dwell. physically & in your thoughts. in the past or the present?
if it’s not good, or if it’s in the past – don’t dwell on it
if it’s good, and it’s right now – dwell on it
#musicmonday #love #dwell #home #cominghome
(shazammed this song in Anthropolgie, a place which I lowkey wish was my home)

Be You

“Finally I am coming to the conclusion that my highest ambition is to be what I already am. That I will never fulfill my obligation to surpass myself unless I first accept myself–and if I accept myself fully in the right way I will already have surpassed myself.

–Thomas Merton

Risk for Connection

I heard this song before I watched the music video. After I watched the music video something stirred within. What I thought about was how brave people are. Even people just going on dates. People who dared to do this experiment. Was I too scared? And why? Here’s what I wrote:

The greatest risk we’ll take is the risk for connection. “To love is to be vulnerable.” Being vulnerable is scary. Overcoming that fear and just loving might be the hardest thing we’ll ever do in our lives. The danger is we could live our lives so focused on our flaws and so wanting to guard them that we don’t make that risk for connection. But what happens is we miss out on the beauty of love. We settle for a cheaper, easier version of it. What happens is we become too focused on projecting our best self that we lose out on true connection. What happens is what we believe is protecting us actually harms us.

“The courage to truly, selflessly, irrationally love is the greatest accomplishment of the human heart.” – Asha Noel Iyer (read your article today on Thrive Global, it inspired me!)

 

Keep Moving Forward

I have a spot I go to down in Laguna Beach to be alone, to be with God and to rest and be filled.

I needed/wanted to go the day after the rainstorm. The entrance to the beach that I usually always go to was blocked. I went to another one and saw that the water had come up pretty far up. For some reason though I was committed to go to that rock that I always sit at.

A little foolishly, I climbed up a wet and slippery rock and hoisted myself over so that I got to sit on that rock. And that’s when I realized that it was okay going UP that but would NEVER be okay to go down that. It was so slippery and steep and the chances of me falling and getting hurt was almost inevitable.

At that point I was pretty scared. So I looked forward, the water was coming up a lot (there’s a technical term for that, high tide?) anyways, there were little patches of sand between rocks that I would have to cross in between waves and then I’d have to climb back on rocks and dodge waves again to get to an area of the beach where it wasn’t rocky.

I had a choice – either to go back and possibly break my neck or to move forward and to get wet and to calculate and strategize how to not get swept away by waves. Both had risks but I knew, and I heard so clearly at that moment: don’t go back, it’s dangerous to go back the way you came. You have to move forward, I’ll be with you.

“Oh, you can’t get out backwards. You’ve got to go forwards to go back, better press on.” – Willy Wonka