Feeling loved.
Not because it’s my birthday. Not because 83 people wished me happy birthday on Facebook. Not because 65 people just liked my latest Instagram post, but to those of you who did…thank you, that did make me feel good. I am just feeling loved because for one of the first times I’m letting love in.
I’ve heard from some people that when they talk to me it’s like all of a sudden I’m not there. I’ve heard before that all of a sudden it feels that I put up a wall and suddenly they are shut out. I know exactly what they are talking about. It’s almost an out of body thing where I know it’s happening but I can’t do anything about it. Can’t keep the gates open long enough because the self-conscious or negative thoughts just come flooding in and social anxiety forces me to excuse myself as I withdraw to emerge later after a little alone time.
The idea that I am loved should not come to me as a surprise. But for some reason, my whole life I feel like I’ve had this desire to SHOW that I am loved rather than to stop and accept it for what it is: I am so loved. It’s almost that the perception that I was loved was more important to me than just knowing.
Today’s breakthrough was loud and clear. I am loved. You are loved. And it has nothing to do with me, it just is what it is.
My grandpa’s love was my favorite kind of love. My being born made him a grandpa and he was thrilled just about ME. That’s a fun kind of love to have for 25 years. Starting from 13 years old, when my grandpa saw me with my full set of braces, pig tails, and harry potter glasses he said “Ah, it’s Miss California!”. Talk about not only a completely false statement but also a complete confidence booster. I was excellent, in my youth, at collecting Honorable Mentions. I’ve gotten about 8 to 10 of them and my grandpa showed up at the ceremonies and cheered me on when my name was called. Didn’t matter that the fact that I got honorable mention meant I simply showed up on the date the competition was held.
I lost my grandpa a few weeks ago. I was able to reflect on the time we shared and just realized how much this one man loved me. And at the end of the day, that is all that matters. Don’t wait until the end, to realize how much someone loved you. Don’t wait until a break up to realize how much that person loved you. Don’t wait until the end of your life to realize you were so dang loved. Don’t wait until becoming “perfect” to accept the love. That one is huge. For me sometimes I fall in the trap of “WHENIME” WHEN I’M Skinnier, WHEN I’M 1st place and not honorable mention. When I’M More Like Her. When I’M More secure. Please stop talking when you start doing “WHENIME”. There’s no such thing. You are Loved and fully worthy of being loved. Let that love in!
You are loved.
You are loved.
You are loved.
Love,
Andi
@thoughtsbyandi 